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[instruction] HOW TO USE GRINDR

October 27, 2010

It’s true what they say, being gay is the worst of all the oppressions. Personally, I’d rather be black or colorblind. But that’s the thing with oppression — you don’t choose it. Oppression chooses you.

The worst thing about being gay is trying to hook up with other gay guys. What a pathetic crew of pansy-ass bitches and meth-infused gym bunnies! Many guys turn to technology, such as the world wide web or gay sex parks, to facilitate a connection with another homosexual. Others turn to mobile devises and location-based apps such as “Grindr” to meet other men for tips on knitting, real estate investments and fisting.

I went undercover as a blogger named “Daniel Baylis” to help you, the faithful reader of The Conversationalist, understand how to use Grindr to best augment your social and sexual potential. You don’t have to be oppressed anymore. Grindr will most likely enable you find the man of your dreams.

Here are the “Do”s and “Don’t”s of connecting on Grindr!

(Note: Daniel’s comments are in yellow, while the Grindr research subject comments are in blue.)

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DO: Inform your subject of any large mammals that you believe might be in his vicinity.

*        *         *

DO: Offer someone a hug if they’ve expressed the death of a pet.

*        *         *

DON’T: Put photos of your nephew on Grindr. No matter how ‘family minded’ you consider yourself. You’re on fucking Grindr. That’s creepy.

*        *         *

 

DON’T: Call yourself “Splash”. Unless you are a merman. But you’re not. So don’t.

*        *         *

 

DON’T: Use too many words. Eric has successfully summed it up in three characters. That’s best. If you feel a need to be wordy, try “Me Horny” or “You + Me = Brüno’s Hotel room”.

*        *         *

DO: Put your weird kinky shit out there at the beginning.

*        *         *

DO: Consider a board-game as an alternative to dry humping.

*        *         *

DON’T: Ever link your Grindr and your Facebook. There are crazy people out there who might be using Grindr for weird-ass reasons.

*        *         *

DO: Be polite when approached for drugs.

*        *         *

DON’T: Ever offer to help someone bury their pet gerbil. This is a very personal moment. Best to give a lot of space. If you feel a need to support the guy in his loss, why not write the grieving gay a haiku about animals and the afterlife?

* * *

7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 27, 2010 11:13 AM

    Haha, I seriously lol-ed at the first screenshot.

    • danielbaylis permalink
      October 27, 2010 1:39 PM

      I take it you’re not talking about my profile screen shot?

      • November 9, 2010 11:00 PM

        Haha, no. The first screenshot regarding conversations. “THERE’S A CAMEL BEHIND YOU!”

  2. October 27, 2010 7:43 PM

    That is hysterical.

    Back in my single days, this stuff was tame compared to what I saw on the hook-up sites; which by the way is where I met my now-husband!

  3. Eric Wirth permalink
    October 28, 2010 12:43 PM

    Great post!

  4. sam permalink
    November 1, 2010 5:03 PM

    how do you do those mobile screen grabs?

    • danielbaylis permalink
      November 1, 2010 8:56 PM

      Simply press and hold the “Home” button at center bottom of the iPhone, then press and release the “Sleep” button on top right of the iPhone. This causes the iPhone to “flash” white briefly and the image is added to your “camera roll” on the phone.

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